They always said I was a dreamer.
It must be true, Because I've always loved sleeping.
I feel so lonely, & So when I do I call my Ashy. God I feel so blessed to have my cutie. Her mom always wants her aroundd though, & Yeah I get it. I don’t mind it, But then again it’s kind of a problem when I want her around all the time too. I cannot get her. I understand I mean i’m sure she wants time for herself toooo everyone always needs her for something. I just miss her though.. It’s friday night.. I want to go out somewhere with her. Anywhere idc really as long as shes content & as long as I can see her but I cant though:/. I really NEED her sometimes just for 3minutes to say something important & she cant even pick up because all the stuffs she needs to do. I wish I could be like my brother. He doesn’t need anything or anyone. He’s not happy I guess you can say, But at least he doesn’t let bullshit decay away his mind & soul. I have a best friend but I barley tell her anything that bugging me because she’s so busy that I rather not waste any time I do get with her just bitching & complaining. I wonder if she thinks of me as much as I think of her. It’s like any little thing I see reminds me of her. I play guitar when I get sad or want to pass time & that’s becoming a problem because everytime I pick it up I just start thinking of her O.o over & overr again. I also really miss my friend Allan. We used to have so much fun going up & down everywhere. He’s always busy now too, & when hes not he wants to go out “ballin” & anyone who knows me knows i’m not like that. I’m always gasping to inhale smoke like air, Trying to create an escape that isn’t there & that doesn’t really satisfy. When she holds onto me I take a deep breath in her neck. I know i’m going to miss her scent later. The sweet taste of her lips. The way her skin feels on my finger tips. The way her eyes pierce into mine. I feel obsessed & possessed… & those feelings make me feel alone too. I need to regain control of my needs & wants & desires.. Until then I’m afraid i’ll keep feeling like a lone wolf always howling at the moon at night.. I was okay being alone for a year. I mean yeah I was torn at the seams but at least I didnt crave this girl whos like a drug. I just feel like I’m coming undone again. I just want to mean something again. I’m tired of being nothing. Nobody to everyone. She makes me feel high. I think all these feelings are just stupid illusions my mind creates because I notice I abuse anything that feels good. I just want to feel good because i’ve felt like shit for so long. I smoke like a volcano because I really abuse anything that feels like heroin. I’m tired of drugs so I turned to love the opposite of what one of my idols did but now I see why he chose drugs instead. Drugs are there & anywhere I want them to be. But honestly they don’t stop me from feeling lonely. They dont keep my desires in check. I never been one to fucc around, & the last time I tried that I felt so dirty. I just want to become a man that is stable & that has his head on right so that I can take what I want & keep it with me always to myself. I’m just afraid that since I lost my head that maybe I’ll lose my heart next & i’ll grow cold & bitter before I can take the chance to become the type of man I want to become. But hey.. Who ever said life was fair… Right?
I’m tryingg, I really Am.
I’m amazing, I’m really not.
I’m done with Crying, I really am.
I’m dying, I really am.
I’m happy, I’m really not.
I know where I’m going, I really don’t.
I remember where I’ve been, I really don’t… I really don’t.
I don’t feel like waking up tmrw, I really don’t..